English Oath of Allegiance, originally uploaded by benaston.

Today I swapped my Canadian wife for a British one. The Canadian model was ok, but the British version is a definite upgrade.

Result.

Amy Williams wins Olympic Gold for Team GB, originally uploaded by benaston.

Seeing as we’ve had so much snow in 2010, it’s probably only good and proper that we should start taking an interest in the Winter Olympics. And naturally, it was only a matter of time before that snow translated into a medal in the skeleton.

Bear in mind that we tend to win loads of medals at the Winter Olympics, so this is hardly a big deal, barely even mentioning actually. But Amy Williams, for putting us in 16th place in the medal table by sliding down a hill on a tray, thank you.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

work with the camera, originally uploaded by benaston.

This is an academic piece, based on purely fictitious-ish characters, imagining what life would be like for me if I’d have continued my walk with academia. Credit to Dr Aston for the inspiration.

Kevin should be finishing his thesis soon. Glasses. A wiry man with a neatly shaven head.  Wild, black hair frongs extravagantly from his ears and nose. There is something ageless about him, he’s in his 40s – been around for a while, perhaps too long.

Kevin is clever. Very clever. When you say anything to him he’ll wince and pull a funny face that says with absolute clarity; ‘You’re an idiot’. If you have the audacity to ask him a question he’ll tell you so many clever things in response that you’ll be completely befuddled and forget what you asked him in the first place.

Rosemary hasn’t been around long. She is bitter. Bitter because I got the funding she applied for. She started in October just before me so she’ll be here most the time I am. There will be no reprieve. I’m a constant reminder to her of the price she’s paying.  She had to sell her business to be here.

She is weird. Sits to my left. She mutters continuously to herself. Unintelligible.

It’s 9.45 on Tuesday morning. Rosemary is feeling cheerful. Kevin looks funny. He has come in from the rain and has the appearance of someone who’s been swimming with his clothes on.

Rosemary: “You look as lovely as ever this morning!”

An awkward silence is punctuated only by Rosemary’s muttering. Kevin pulls that face of confusion; someone’s said something that is very clearly incorrect. Perplexed. Annoyed. Kevin finally speaks.

Kevin: “Right. I’m not really sure how to respond to that.”

Rosemary doesn’t realise it’s mean to make fun of how people look, especially when they are people who don’t understand jokes. Kevin doesn’t understand jokes.

Academia.

I don’t belong here. I’m a creep.

apple ipad, originally uploaded by benaston.

How’s that for an over-sized iPod Touch?

In all its glory, here is the Apple iPad, which does pretty much everything an iPod Touch will do, only it’s on a proper sized (24×19cm) screen – so it won’t fit in your pocket.

This is probably good news for all you manbag makers out there – there’s going to be a lot of people carrying these things around, who have never before needed a manbag. Now, armed with their iPad, and with repetitive strain injury after casually carrying it in their hand for the first two weeks, they’ll realise that a manbag is in order.

That is of course, unless we should really be likening the iPad to an oversized iPhone, seeing as it comes in a 3G version – but can you really imagine walking down the street (after you’ve lost/broken your headset) holding this to your ear? Nor me.

The thing that’s really missing from the iPad is the humble USB port. You’d be forgiven for just assuming it would be on there somewhere. But it’s not. It’s mad that a device that’s this expensive ($499) and steps on the toes of all the netbooks out there requires an additional adaptor to connect to upload pictures direct from a camera.

Apart from that though, yes please.

Steak Smorgasbord, originally uploaded by benaston.

Following a slightly disastrous foray into the wilds of Clapham Common in search of steak, we went hunting, found a cow and asked it if it wouldn’t mind sharing a couple of fillet steaks with us.

The cow was very accommodating and so it was that we returned to Aston Villa with some fat steaks pictured above.

The cow was delish.

Boris Johnson does a David Cameron, originally uploaded by benaston.

‘We can’t go on like this’ either.  I’m tired of the first Conservatives outdoor already, and we’re only a week in.

It’s partly due to the fact that David Cameron has been over air-brushed. Ordinarily I’m all for airbrushing – everyone should be allowed to be beautiful in print, but David’s taken it a tad too far. It’s the forehead. It’s too silky smooth. And the eyes. They’re too vacant.

Onto the actual ad itself, I’m disappointed they’ve gone for a bit of a rehash of the classic ‘Labour isn’t working’ but not done it so well. Instead it just sounds like someone whining. And the messaging is a bit too convoluted too – are they talking about reducing the national debt or increasing the budget for the NHS?

On the other hand, had they not made it, I’d have never of happened across this little Boris gem on the site http://mydavidcameron.com which captures Boris beautifully.

Vote Boris.

Boys 1 – 0 Girls, originally uploaded by benaston.

Can point out please, that the boys won the first match in the boys v girls weekly games tournament.

Could it have been that the boys finally had the strength in numbers required to topple the girls?

Or should we discount that, because the rules clearly dictate that due to limited gamesmanship skill, Laurence can only count as half?

Watev. Hurrah.

Ben is a T-Rex, originally uploaded by benaston.

What better way to begin the year than with a decadent costume?

I thought there was probably nothing more extravagant than a T-Rex at a ‘decades’ themed party. It was pushing the boundaries of the theme slightly, but when is a T-Rex, the most majestic of beasts, ever really out of place?

Yes, it is a crocodile costume, but it’s all about the way you wear it.

Mushroom Farming, originally uploaded by benaston.

I’d just about given up on these buds of fungal goodness when, to my surprise, I discovered that my first foray into the world of shrooms had (in my absence) been a success.

I harvested four 3cm beauties from the first flush – apparently this encourages the second to come through. However, I’m not entirely sure that I’m going to grow enough to cover the £5.98 investment from B&Q – that’s going to take another 6lbs of these late bloomers to appear.

I think this makes me a horticulturalist. Bonus.

Superman body position while body surfing, originally uploaded by benaston.

This is a guide for the many readers who often want to surf whilst on holiday but have difficulties due to either being without a board, or more likely, having problems attaching your surfboard to your hired bicycle because you were lacking funds to hire a car.

The solution is thankfully very simple; you have to use your other board. You.

There’s not really much to it so it doesn’t really require a beginner’s guide, but here’s a few pointers to get you started:

1. Wear Speedos – Aesthetics are important, and not only will you look more professional (who wears speedos but the uber serious) you’ll also reduce drag so you can pop out the front of the wave, just like a real surfer.

2. Swim – You’d be surprised at the number of pseudo-surfers who are quite content to float around and just assume that the wave will pick them up, and magically lift them to their feet. You may have noticed that this doesn’t happen all that often. Strangely enough, it doesn’t happen with body surfing either. Swimming is important; without it you won’t catch any waves.

3. Be Punctual – I’m very pleased to be widely known as being punctual, you might have even mistaken me as being German I’m that timely. And that’s the key to body surfing. Probably the most difficult bit is actually catching waves. It’s all about timing; starting swimming just before the wave’s about to break so it you surf down the wave and out the front rather than just floating along with it.

4. Body Positions – My favourite is Superman as you can see above. What’s important is that whatever position you choose, it looks heroic. Without looking heroic, you probably won’t catch the attentions of the mermaid babes on the rocks.

5. Accessorise – There’s plenty of different things you could go for to complete the look and which will helpfully double up to ameliorate performance. Goggles are an inexpensive but effective option but to really look professional, I’d recommend flippers, or fins as we call them in the business. Waddling into the sea will catch everyone’s attention, and the extra propulsion will help you catch even more waves.

That’s about it; using this guide you’ll be body surfing in no time at all.