work with the camera, originally uploaded by benaston.

This is an academic piece, based on purely fictitious-ish characters, imagining what life would be like for me if I’d have continued my walk with academia. Credit to Dr Aston for the inspiration.

Kevin should be finishing his thesis soon. Glasses. A wiry man with a neatly shaven head.  Wild, black hair frongs extravagantly from his ears and nose. There is something ageless about him, he’s in his 40s – been around for a while, perhaps too long.

Kevin is clever. Very clever. When you say anything to him he’ll wince and pull a funny face that says with absolute clarity; ‘You’re an idiot’. If you have the audacity to ask him a question he’ll tell you so many clever things in response that you’ll be completely befuddled and forget what you asked him in the first place.

Rosemary hasn’t been around long. She is bitter. Bitter because I got the funding she applied for. She started in October just before me so she’ll be here most the time I am. There will be no reprieve. I’m a constant reminder to her of the price she’s paying.  She had to sell her business to be here.

She is weird. Sits to my left. She mutters continuously to herself. Unintelligible.

It’s 9.45 on Tuesday morning. Rosemary is feeling cheerful. Kevin looks funny. He has come in from the rain and has the appearance of someone who’s been swimming with his clothes on.

Rosemary: “You look as lovely as ever this morning!”

An awkward silence is punctuated only by Rosemary’s muttering. Kevin pulls that face of confusion; someone’s said something that is very clearly incorrect. Perplexed. Annoyed. Kevin finally speaks.

Kevin: “Right. I’m not really sure how to respond to that.”

Rosemary doesn’t realise it’s mean to make fun of how people look, especially when they are people who don’t understand jokes. Kevin doesn’t understand jokes.

Academia.

I don’t belong here. I’m a creep.

Boris Johnson does a David Cameron, originally uploaded by benaston.

‘We can’t go on like this’ either.  I’m tired of the first Conservatives outdoor already, and we’re only a week in.

It’s partly due to the fact that David Cameron has been over air-brushed. Ordinarily I’m all for airbrushing – everyone should be allowed to be beautiful in print, but David’s taken it a tad too far. It’s the forehead. It’s too silky smooth. And the eyes. They’re too vacant.

Onto the actual ad itself, I’m disappointed they’ve gone for a bit of a rehash of the classic ‘Labour isn’t working’ but not done it so well. Instead it just sounds like someone whining. And the messaging is a bit too convoluted too – are they talking about reducing the national debt or increasing the budget for the NHS?

On the other hand, had they not made it, I’d have never of happened across this little Boris gem on the site http://mydavidcameron.com which captures Boris beautifully.

Vote Boris.

Superman body position while body surfing, originally uploaded by benaston.

This is a guide for the many readers who often want to surf whilst on holiday but have difficulties due to either being without a board, or more likely, having problems attaching your surfboard to your hired bicycle because you were lacking funds to hire a car.

The solution is thankfully very simple; you have to use your other board. You.

There’s not really much to it so it doesn’t really require a beginner’s guide, but here’s a few pointers to get you started:

1. Wear Speedos – Aesthetics are important, and not only will you look more professional (who wears speedos but the uber serious) you’ll also reduce drag so you can pop out the front of the wave, just like a real surfer.

2. Swim – You’d be surprised at the number of pseudo-surfers who are quite content to float around and just assume that the wave will pick them up, and magically lift them to their feet. You may have noticed that this doesn’t happen all that often. Strangely enough, it doesn’t happen with body surfing either. Swimming is important; without it you won’t catch any waves.

3. Be Punctual – I’m very pleased to be widely known as being punctual, you might have even mistaken me as being German I’m that timely. And that’s the key to body surfing. Probably the most difficult bit is actually catching waves. It’s all about timing; starting swimming just before the wave’s about to break so it you surf down the wave and out the front rather than just floating along with it.

4. Body Positions – My favourite is Superman as you can see above. What’s important is that whatever position you choose, it looks heroic. Without looking heroic, you probably won’t catch the attentions of the mermaid babes on the rocks.

5. Accessorise – There’s plenty of different things you could go for to complete the look and which will helpfully double up to ameliorate performance. Goggles are an inexpensive but effective option but to really look professional, I’d recommend flippers, or fins as we call them in the business. Waddling into the sea will catch everyone’s attention, and the extra propulsion will help you catch even more waves.

That’s about it; using this guide you’ll be body surfing in no time at all.

NFU issues sound advice to Blunkett after cow attack incident, originally uploaded by benaston.

In a career spanning more than 20 years, Blunkett has enjoyed more than his fair share of cabinet resignations. So one can only imagine he was more than a little disappointed not to be joining the throngs of cabinet ministers handing in their resignations and the ensuing media spotlight.

Cue a cow (artists impression only), Blunkett, Sadie, his trusty dog, and a field. The scene is set for some much deserved media coverage.

I can’t imagine it’s a particularly frequent occurrence that people, especially blind people walking their dogs, get attacked by cows as they’re rambling through the countryside. But that’s what happened in a series of events which one can only assume was masterminded by Blunkett himself.

Allegedly, whilst innocently ambling along with Sadie, in the wilds of Sheffield, Blunkett was attacked by a stampeding pantomime cow. The article leaves a little to the imagination, but you’d be forgiven for thinking he bravely tried to defend the cow from his dog and in the process, broke a few ribs and earned those highly sought column inches.

So it’s probably not very often either that the NFU is given the opportunity by the BBC to issue a statement on blind politicians walking their dogs who get attacked by cows. The advice seems a little more anecdotal than considered; “…let the dog off the lead so it can run away because obviously a dog can run faster than you. The next thing to do is to get quite quickly to the edge of the field, collect the dog and leave.”

I do wonder if the pratt (that’s Alison Pratt) in giving her advice to ‘others who might find themselves in a similar position (yes, that’s blind politicians walking their guide dogs in fields with cows) gave any thought to the fact that without Sadie, (who in accordance with her advice, would have been dispatched to run away) Blunkett might have found it a bit difficult to get ‘quite quickly’ to the edge of the field by himself without incurring the cow’s wrath again.

Insightful.

The ten pound Classic Menu from PizzaExpress – A moral dilemma, originally uploaded by benaston.

It’s nice to see Pizza Express wading into the fray over ministerial expenses with their proposition that their £10 meal deal is such good value that no one would notice if you slipped it in under expenses.

If we’re going to complain about Hogg’s moat, we need to be mindful of the application of our integrity to our pizzas too.

How serious.

I was amused today to find out that the annual rent of our flat-to-be is the princely sum of ‘one peppercorn’.

Yowza. This must be good news – at the moment we pay £10 rent a year for our lease, I began to wonder – how expensive can peppercorns be these days? Do they have to be wrapped in gold foil to count as payment?

My search led me to Wikipedia, the home of all half-truths. It was then I discovered that a peppercorn is just a token payment called a peppercorn to be a bit more discreet. I’m not entirely convinced of this discretion. Why not just fix the rent as ‘One Red Herring’?

Education. Education. Education.

I just don’t ‘get’ Pizza Express. When you’re standing outside, the minimalist interior looks appealing. Step inside, close your eyes, and with the din and laminate furniture, you’d be forgiven for wondering if you were actually in McDonalds. The difference is, McDonald’s doesn’t give you the dreaded ‘Pizza Express Finger’.

It’s the seemingly perpetual 2 for 1 deal that first made me a suspicious. I know that in these crunchy times, it is prudent to ensure one is always appropriately armed with a badly printed voucher to maximise frugality. But aren’t all vouchers just a ploy to get you through the door?

Cue the knives. It’s quite simple really, the knives aren’t up to the job of taking on ice cream, yet alone pizza. You could spend all evening trying to cut through the crust and you’ll never get anywhere – you’ll just get Pizza Express Finger. A sorry state where index fingers are cramped and thus incapicated due to overuse in cutting ventures.

As the picture shows, the Pizza Express ‘knife’ isn’t really a knife at all – it’s lacking any serrated capacity. And that’s precisely the point. With everyone arming themselves with vouchers, Pizza Express has to make their money somewhere – so they’re making it difficult to eat their pizzas.

Around the restaurant people furtively and with increasing desperation continue their efforts to cut through their pizzas. All the additional effort required is deliberate; they’re thirsty after all the fruitless cutting action and so stay longer, hoping and waiting for their Pizza Express Finger to wear off.

In a last ditch effort, they realise the only way to conquer the pizza is to forego cutting altogether and instead employ the cutlery as levers, crudely prising the pizza apart into bite sized portions . But it’s too late. They’re now on their third Scillian lemonade, and £6 poorer for it. The crunch has bitten back.

Scandalous.