I just don’t ‘get’ Pizza Express. When you’re standing outside, the minimalist interior looks appealing. Step inside, close your eyes, and with the din and laminate furniture, you’d be forgiven for wondering if you were actually in McDonalds. The difference is, McDonald’s doesn’t give you the dreaded ‘Pizza Express Finger’.
It’s the seemingly perpetual 2 for 1 deal that first made me a suspicious. I know that in these crunchy times, it is prudent to ensure one is always appropriately armed with a badly printed voucher to maximise frugality. But aren’t all vouchers just a ploy to get you through the door?
Cue the knives. It’s quite simple really, the knives aren’t up to the job of taking on ice cream, yet alone pizza. You could spend all evening trying to cut through the crust and you’ll never get anywhere – you’ll just get Pizza Express Finger. A sorry state where index fingers are cramped and thus incapicated due to overuse in cutting ventures.
As the picture shows, the Pizza Express ‘knife’ isn’t really a knife at all – it’s lacking any serrated capacity. And that’s precisely the point. With everyone arming themselves with vouchers, Pizza Express has to make their money somewhere – so they’re making it difficult to eat their pizzas.
Around the restaurant people furtively and with increasing desperation continue their efforts to cut through their pizzas. All the additional effort required is deliberate; they’re thirsty after all the fruitless cutting action and so stay longer, hoping and waiting for their Pizza Express Finger to wear off.
In a last ditch effort, they realise the only way to conquer the pizza is to forego cutting altogether and instead employ the cutlery as levers, crudely prising the pizza apart into bite sized portions . But it’s too late. They’re now on their third Scillian lemonade, and £6 poorer for it. The crunch has bitten back.